i put the shat in william shatner

loving life. :)

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I'M KIND OF GLAD MY PARENTS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE IT'S A BIG MOTIVATOR TO NEVER COME BACK

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i went to christmas and all i got was this stigmata.

i like how we're not doing presentz this year. it makes everything less stressful, and why should my mom buy shit just because christians say you have to? my parents aren't even real christians anyway. they worship asian jesus. hahaha i thought of that last night when i was hanging out with will.

Will is awesome. He's been a consistent positive person in my life. i probably wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him. there were plenty of times when i was fed up with him but it's never too hard to remind myself what a great person he is.

i was also saying how i like christmas because it means that from now on there will be more light: the days are getting longer. which is good news for my seasonal depression. although, i do have to say, i feel a lot better this year than the last two years. maybe it's cuz i got straight A's, have awesome friends, dating a cute guy who respects me, about to move to richmond/in with ben, and salvia plath party is playing a lot of shows. it's been a lot easier to focus on the positive. i have to use these things/accomplishments as a mental checklist to validate me when i start doubting myself; it's not to toot my own horn, it's just that usually when seasonal affective disorder starts making me crazy in August I lose a grasp on my worth. but even if i lost all of these things, because let's face it, every physical manifestation is only temporal, i do think i've found peace. it's uncanny and new, and maybe it's just a sign that i'm growing up. i'm going to be 20 in a little over half a year. no more adolescent bitching and griping. my purpose is way too big to just sit idly and intimidated. so is yours. something that i think resonated with will is when i said:

"it's not about fighting against but rather fighting for."

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gah

Our poetry teacher told us in the beginning that she'd be giving pop quizzes throughout the year. At the end of last class she was all like, "And remember, you're going to have to take your first quiz eventually." So I think it's going to be tomorrow. But I have no idea how to study for it. I mean, I'm sure it's going to be on the first section of poets (Shakespeare, Donne, Milton). But I have no idea what's going to be on the quiz. I'll remember that Milton was the one that went blind, and wrote Paradise Lost, if it's on the quiz.

My Religious Studies teacher was talking about his one encounter with the Moonies in the 70's. He bought Christmas records from them in the food court of a mall. When he got home and took the vinyl out of the cover and slip paper there was a picture of Sun Myung Moon in the center. When he asked if anyone was a Moonie before he told the story (cuz he has to be careful not to offend anyone), of course i didn't raise my hand because I haven't identified with the church in a long time. I kind of want to write a paper about my experiences in it, or like a short nonfiction piece, eventually.

I remember going door to door when i was five along with my parents while they were witnessing, which is really embarrassing when i look back on it, but i'm glad i was too young to understand then. I remember having to be baby sat by this abusive woman because my mom had to sell flowers on the street for the church. i remember being told that if you had sex before marriage, or married outside the church or dated that i was going to go to hell. and also if i was in a situation where i was going to be raped it'd be better to kill myself.

someone broke into someone's house in our neighborhood.

so i come home to find that my parents want me to withdraw from all my classes, return all my books, and move the fuck out. from dad screaming at me on my birthday, to my boy problems, to the weirdest weekend, to this, it's great. i'm not upset. i just feel like...it still doesn't matter. nothing really matters, anyone can see.

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i have an oxymoron for you: nothing matters